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Al
Sometime PA
bloke for Whey Aye C/DC and drummer in top notch Quo tribute - On The
Level. Looks a bit like Magnum PI.
Magnum
PI - Not him from On The Level. Yesterday...
Andy
Irritating bloke that Daz used to play in a band with. He was a dick.
Proved beyond a shadow of a doubt when he applied to join the Police
force.
Angel, The
The centre of Daz’s life from 1989 - until his missus put her foot down
after she got sick of picking him up in a catatonic state every weekend.
Built on an ancient burial ground, the site is consecrated, -planning
applications have been filed to turn it into a place of worship.
The
Angel Inn. (Police paddy wagons out of shot)
Beer
See Bitter. Although Daz drinks Brown Ale even though it sends him
loopy, and Chris drinks posh bottled foreign muck that costs £3.00 a
bottle. Chris is the 'beer snob' of the band and will only drink real
ale with unpronounceable names. Deano would drink turps if you put it in
a pint glass. Not surprisingly, Chris gets the worst hangovers, and can
often be seen at rehearsals sweating and shaking, and generally looking
rough. Graham isn't allowed out of the house until that evening's chosen
tipple is laced with Bromide.
Bitter
A sacred liquid affectionately called “Piss of the Gods” by Neil
- although he drinks Sherry as well so you never know what's gannin' on
in his heed.
Bongo, Neil
Ex drummer from Daz's old band - until he jacked it all in to become a
garage mechanic - as he could do the "Fffff" (sharp intake of breath)
very well. He looked after Daz’s car for a while until he was whisked
away to join David Coulthard’s F1 team.
On Bongo’s first Grand Prix, Coulthard screamed into the pits, 9.7
seconds behind first place:
"Smooth tyres now!"
Bongo replied: "Fffff....Thursday?"
Neil Bongo.
Also a bit of a gadget freak – the interior of his
house looks like the Watto’s junk yard from Star Wars Episode 1, with
radio innards and half built computers cluttering up everything from the
settee to the kitchen bench.
Boothy
Useless, fat, lying twat.
Called for back-up at a gig, as he was having trouble with a rowdy
audience member.
Daz and Neil arrived in the nick of time to save him from an 80 year old
bloke.
Afterwards he told the band, who hadn't seen the incident, that there
were:
"Half a dozen big lads causing bother." The fat, lying, lardy
lump.
Used to write his own
signs at gigs that said: 'T-SHERTS £5 VIDIOES £10 eech'
Bowesy
A lad Daz used to know who offered to roadie for the band, until he
went to prison for burning his old school down.
Café Rock
A ‘nightclub’
situated next to the Angel primarily for hardened drinkers who fail to
"pull" during normal licensing hours.
Chips
Invented by Mr.Bimbi during the Great Parsnip Famine of 1806 where he
was the first bloke to slice potatoes and boil them in animal fat.
Now available at selected emporia in and around the North East.
Chippy
A very large and very hard roadie whose knuckles dragged along the
floor.
The Army gave him a medal for shooting people... and a prison sentence
for shooting some other people.
Chippy came home drunk one Christmas Eve, and ate the turkey. His wife
wasn't too upset: he'd saved her the bother of cooking it.
Citroen
A ‘car’ that Daz got from a scrapyard in 1996. It served as tour bus for
his various bands for 5 years until the suspension gave way when Boothy
got in.
Dave
Bassist from Back in Black (Daz's previous band). Bears a striking
resemblance to that bloke out of Gladiator. (The one who stabs Russell
Crowe at the end).
 
That bloke out of Gladiator. And Dave.
Daz
Singer in Whey Aye C/DC. Daz seems to delight in being the scruffiest
member of the band and often gets mistaken as a roadie, rather than a
band member. Can drink more than Neil and has a voice that could strip
paint. Rumours that Daz's mother had an affair with a certain Mr.Johnson
around 1973 are entirely untrue - but have become popular in the North
East due to his voice sounding exactly like the similar named gentleman
from AC/DC. Will not answer to 'Darren' as he hates it and that's what
his mam calls him.
Don Don
One of Daz’s ‘mates’ that he once took to a gig to annoy the others.
His strangeness knew no bounds. Every day Don Don would ‘aquire’
something new through his nocturnal activities. During football
conversations in the pub, he would suddenly blurt out: "Wanna buy any
pigs?" Visited Edinburgh Zoo with a stepladder and a tub of KY Jelly
and hasn’t been seen since. Bore a striking resemblance to the midget
from Fantasy Island.
"Duh plane boss.....duh plane..."
Gilby
One time ‘manager’ of Dean's old band. About as
crooked as Janet Street Porters teeth. Would sell countless demo tapes
of a ‘charity’ single they’d knocked up out of their own pockets in a
local studio. The sales figures are still unknown- as he did not want to
concern the band with 'financial mundanities'
Groo
A suspiciously useful roadie and acquaintance of Graham's. Groo knows
how to change guitar strings and set up a PA,
However, he has a tendency to thump everyone and steal their food. The
lads supply him with 12 raw chickens per gig.
Groo. Police mugshot circa 1993.
Horden
A village outside Durham full of Sunderland supporters, where the locals
watch Scouse soap operas:- they're all into Bread.
A farmer from Horden entered the local pub with a pig under his arm:
"Where did you find that disgusting smelly creature?" Asked the barman.
"Horden" Said the pig. ... Etc... You get the idea.
Ian
Drummer who played a few gigs in Shaft (Daz’s other old band), and
pulled the most girls, and had the biggest hair. Despite playing in the
filthiest, bluesiest group that the North East has ever seen, Ian was
always a pansy :
"Does my hair look alright?" and "Does my arse look big in
these?"
Daz would tut and scour the 'Drummers Available' adverts in the
Yellow Paper.
Jizz
A huge half-wit who dribbled continually, hence his nickname.
He was brought in to the band to dep for Chris on bass guitar, but
couldn't find his way home after the rehearsal. He was unable to play
the bass, or even plug it in.
John Smith
John Smith's Bitter. A vital ingredient for the cultivation of
Neil’s beergut / kite / fuel tank.
Juicy Lucy
Responsible for the sexual initiation of Gosforth's teenagers.
Lengthy queues of spotty youths could be seen outside her door on wet
playtimes.
Kelvin
Original drummer in a club band Graham was in. He left the band to tour
Europe in an Elvis Tribute band, much to the complete astonishment of
Graham, who still hasn't come to terms with someone liking another type
of music, other than AC/DC. Kelvin was always off 'doing up his house',
which as far as we're aware - he's still doing.
King's Head
A pub that
an old band of Daz’s played in about 10 years ago where he wrote the
infamous song “Passion Cosh” on his guitar in the toilets. The band only
knew two songs and played both twice. They have yet to be invited back.
Longy
Sometime
mixing / sound man for the band.
Has three partners - Shorty, Stumpy and Fatty. Top bloke.
Low Joe
An old aquaintance of Neil. Cheeky so and so, and one time van driver. "Lend
us ten bob, or I'll set fire to me chest hair!" "Give us a quid,
or I'll eat this mouse!"
He spends lengthy periods in hospital, and is always skint. Was arrested
for drink driving one night and the police found a roll of sellotape, a
hamster called George, a vibrating butt-plug, and an electric drill in
his glove box.
Midge
Dressed in black plastic, a gothic monstrosity who attached herself to
Daz and wouldn’t let him go. For two years. Daz referred to the
relationship as 'like having a carrier bag sellotaped to me face'. Her
voice could fossilise dogshit.
She is now a care assistant working with the mentally handicapped. She
takes them on day trips, and is often heard asking pub landlords: "Can
I bring me spacks in?"
Mobbsy
Mobbsy's PA systems were legendary throughout NE England for their
ability to humm, squeal, feedback, fall over, and be quiet.
Neil
Drummer in the band and all round piss taking get.
Usually quite withdrawn and prone to sporadic bouts of suspicion. "Hey
Neil! The pubs full of punters! The landlords given us all free beer!!
We’ve been offered another 10 bookings!….. Great eh?"
Neil : "Hmmm, I bet there's a f*cking catch somewhere...."
Neil Bass
Friend of Daz and the ex-bass guitarist from Matrix with two
personalities. (Now the singer / bassist in Koncept).
Five days a week, Neil Bass decided that everything was hilarious.
He'd set fire to girls' bottoms, do annoying impressions until everyone
wanted to kill him, drink copious amounts of Vodka and Um Bongo into
the small hours and tell crap jokes to the milkman. Two days a week, he
would take his meths to his favourite park bench, and contemplate
suicide. Always carried his belongings around in Tesco bags - his prize
possession being a dead cat.
Neil Bass. Self portrait.
Pat the Rat
Scrawny middle-aged woman with rodent-like features who hangs around the
band's rehearsal room complaining about the noise.
Pete No
Another annoying mate of Daz's. His girlfriend hated him hanging around
with the band as he was always going home rat-arsed, and that is how he
got his name. "Pete, NO! You're not going out with those horrible lads
in the band again".
Sooth Shields
(South Shields)
Advertised in the local tourist brochures as one of the 'last great
north-east holiday resorts'. Or just a plain and simple 'last resort'.
The band play there two or three times a year and usually have a great
time.
A much
favoured destination for the weekend trippers from Yorkshire in search
of poontang and temporary oblivion. Local females can find themselves
outnumbered 10 - 1 on a Saturday night by visiting ladies from Blyth,
resplendent in the latest fashions purchased the previous week from
Blyth market.
Was once mentioned in a Dire Straits song so the entire town is overcome
with middle aged and elderly tourists every summer expecting to see Mark
Knopfler working the Dodgems. The promenade smells like piss and
moth-balls.
Sound Control
Newcastle's premier music shop.
They supply Chris with all his gear, and mend all his broken equipment:
"Chris? Your amp's fixed." "Nice one! What was up with it?"
"Oh nothing much ... once we'd cleaned out three pints of piss, some
portions of pig, the mice droppings and a bit of the vomit... it was
fine."
Stingray Musicman
Expensive, nice-sounding, top quality bass. Chris spent a fortune
importing one from America, only to find the same one for sale in Sound
Control a week later for half the price. The tit.
Sweaty Sandra
Incredibly fat woman who lusted after Graham. And still does. Can often
be seen at gigs asking where "the cute little Angus-guy is?" while
Graham hides in the dressing room, shaking in his size 3's.
It is rumoured that
she invented alcohol in order to breed.
Sweaty Sandra has had various jobs as an EEC lard mountain, a ski resort
and a bus garage.
Diagnosed by her
doctor as a ‘whingeing hypochondriac’. When she puts on make-up, the
phrase 'polishing a turd' comes to mind.
Tee-Total
2 words that for some reason
Daz can't bring himself to say. Along with 'no thanks I've already had
enough to drink' and 'I really should be going home I've got to be up
early in the morning'.
Trevor Donkey-Cock
A bloke who drinks in Deano's local. Despite having a face like a melted
welly, he's surprisingly popular with the ladies.
Ushaw Moor
Charming ex-mining village in North West Durham where Daz spent a few
years living. Renowned for it's quaint cobbled back streets, starving
urchins begging change on street corners and the highest Bank Holiday
murder rate in County Durham. In fact he liked it so much, he's moving
back there in a couple of weeks.
A native of Ushaw Moor. Extending a
warm welcome to outsiders.
Washington Village
A very posh place where Neil Bongo lived.
Ordinary people have to remove their shoes at the parish boundary.
Wellard (aka Johnny the Fox)
The most
annoying roadie EVER to work with the band. So annoying that Neil and
Daz tried to poison him by putting urinal disinfectant blocks into his
pint. He's didn't notice and drank the lot -leaving a nice blue circle
around his mouth, and his farts smelling of Domestos. Neil hated him
with a passion, and threatened to kill him on many an occasion. Left the
employ of the band under mysterious circumstances, but rumour has it his
mum wouldn't let him hang around with the band anymore. As they were all
'bad influences' on him. (see Pete No).
Whacko
An ever present female fan of the band - with a 'tache of walrus
proportions.
Daz
avoids her like the plague, as she keeps lifting up her top at gigs and
flashing her Spaniel's Ears at him.
Willy's Drum Shop
Drum shop in Sunderland and Neil's home away from home. Also his
personal bank as he deposits large sums of cash there on a regular
basis, receiving various pieces of drum kit in return.
Winnings, The (aka Murderers Arms)
Daz's local pub, until it was closed / knocked down. Probably the only
pub in the North East that had intact spitoons at the bar and straw on
the floor to hide the bloodstains.
Daz reckons it’s the
best gig he’s ever played, but his ex bandmates from Matrix beg to
differ, after they were given the bill for the damaged seats,bar, stage,
carpet, roof, walls, doors, and potted plants.
Yolanda Horse-Face
Grotesque
lass (surprisingly) dumped by Graham as she shared a house with 43
relatives, ate with her fingers and didn't use toilet paper.
ZZ Top
Every alphabetical list ends with ZZ Top.
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